It’s been a while since I’ve written in this space. A lot has happened in 2018, both personally and publicly. Our world is shaken by yet another mass shooting of children in the US. As of this writing, the backlash against the political organizations that allowed this to happen has been amazing, and I can’t wait to see where it goes.
My world, personally, has been shaken up. Frankly, I’m looking for a place to just center myself and express some things that have been sticking with me. Bear with me, friends. I appreciate you coming along for the ride, here.
December 2017 – March 2018
December: My work took over my concentration, so any side projects fell to the wayside. I threw myself into my work. Relationships have suffered because of the lack of space I had left in my mind for them. I spent Christmas hols in Ohio and NYE in the Bay. I missed my friends. Chicago is cold.
December: I began to have panic attacks again. I haven’t consistently had panic attacks in this manner since my senior year of college when I was working full time and going to school full time. I cried to my mother, just like back then. She advised me to go to the doctor, just like before.
February: A few weeks ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I … am concerned, to say the least. She is one of the most active people I know. She always would tell me, “you don’t have time to be sick”. Well, Grandma, you don’t have to be sick now! She’s being positive about the diagnosis. Can you blame a granddaughter for being concerned, though?
December and February: Two of my cousins have had healthy, thriving babies; one a boy, the other a girl. New life is amazing and beautiful.
In the End
February: A coworker who I sat next to and saw every day passed away unexpectedly last Thursday. I had started to consider her a friend, and her death hit harder than expected. It was her passing that has put some things back into perspective. I’ve reset the boundaries on my work life. I began working out again.
Jeanine was 48. She was working from home that morning, set to come into the office that afternoon. She went radio silent (unusual for her) after lunchtime. Her husband came home to find her gone. She was into photography. Jeanine was a U2 superfan. We often joked about it, and I gently teased her for it. I don’t know how to express the grief that I feel. Though I know I will cry at her funeral, I think I’ve cried enough. I want to hug my loved ones close and preserve them, but that will not do them justice. I want to cry that it wasn’t fair. It’s often the best ones that get stolen from us. The best way that I know how to do this is to go through it.
Friends, the short end of it is that I am overwhelmed. 2018 has been overwhelming thus far. I am eager for it to move into the “whelm” stage. However, I have some takeaways for the short time (it is simultaneously already and only March) that we’ve been in this solar cycle:
It doesn’t matter how many followers you have.
The perfect flat-lay pic doesn’t exist.
It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you’ve made a difference in your life. (Though if flat-lay pics make you happy – like they do me, sometimes – go for it, babe.)
We’re all in the same world.
What are some ways that you move through grief? Do you hit the stages in order, or do you skip some? Help us out, friends.